(via camerasight)

They still think

You were my girlfriend

I let them think it

I don’t care anymore

If it makes them feel better

Fine, let them talk.

It does make them feel better

I know it does

Your mother asked me outright

If you were a virgin

She looked so scared

I took a shot at it and lied

Any mother but yours would have hit me

When I said that I’d taken that from you

But she just looked so relieved

Cried and hugged me

Thanked me, even

How messed up is that?

I walked away

Feeling sick again

Remembering

I remember what you said to me

Asking if there was something wrong with you

I told you of course not

I said you’d find the right guy

Or girl

I didn’t judge

You never talked about that

You talked about it then.

You told me that you didn’t want to do that

You told me that

You never wanted that

Not with anyone

You’d looked things up

And enjoyed none of it.

I said some people just don’t like watching it

You shook your head

You told me you didn’t want to do it

Started to cry

I held you

I told you it was alright

You never had to do it

If you didn’t want to

You asked again if there was something wrong with you

I said of course not

How could there be?

Look at you.

Too amazing to be flawed.

They still think I was your boyfriend

And I let them think that

We were just as close, weren’t we?

Your mother got up at the talking part

The part where they talk about you

She thanked me

She thanked me in front of everyone

For being your boyfriend

I edited out the first syllable in my head

Thanked her back

And cried a bit more.

I’ve been crying so much these days.

They say boys shouldn’t cry

But nobody judges me for it

After all,

You were my “girlfriend”.

I’m entitled to it.

God, that’s so self-centered.

I’m entitled.

That’s how I feel, though

I’m supposed to be hating the pity

Wishing things were back to normal

I tell people I wish it were normal

But I don’t

I’m glad they treat me weird

They should

I get some sick satisfaction from the pity

The world hasn’t just kept on

Nothing’s normal anymore

Good, they shouldn’t be acting normal

And as your best friend

And your “boyfriend”

I take advantage of every free pass

That this is getting me.

I think I could hit the principal

And he wouldn’t even say a word

But I won’t do that

Because I know that he feels just as sick

And he doesn’t get that pity

That I’m enjoying.

He was your friend too, right?

You’re not supposed to be friends with the principal

But you were, you always were

He was like a second dad to you

You told me that, once

I believed you

I saw the way he smiled at you

It was never inappropriate

It wasn’t a smile that would make someone nervous

Just a friendly smile and a wave

A how-do-you-do

Like a man from the 50’s

A cheery old-fashioned family vaules kind of smile.

He hasn’t been smiling much lately.

You know your mom is suing him?

Not him, not really

But he takes it so personally

She’s suing the school

Of course she is

It’s their fault

How many times did we play with that wall

Take the loose bricks out and play catch

Tell the teachers it wobbled

We kicked that wall

Sat on top of it

Played near it every day

They knew it was unstable

We told them

And they never did a thing

Until it fell.

So your mom is suing the school

And the principal

And I’ve been watching them both

Trying to keep them both sane

Trying to make them better

But there’s nobody to make me better

Not anymore.

The worst thing is

No matter how much has changed now

No matter the space where that wall was

No matter the black clothes

The pity

No matter all of that it’s still too normal

I have to get up every morning

And every morning it’s a shock again

I forget every night

Dream about you

And then I wake up and I know

It’s killing me

God, it’s killing me.

I have to find out that you’re gone

Every morning

And wash the tears off while I shower

Feeling dead.

They still think that you were my girlfriend

And I will never explain

How you were so much less

And so much more

You died a virgin and you wanted to

I never touched you that way

I never even thought of you that way

But I cry every morning

Knowing that if you had been my girlfriend

I could not have loved you more deeply

We could never have been more close

Romance is its own creature

Separate from sex

You taught me that

The girls I did date,

It was drama and tension

Good days and bad days

But with you it was only good days

I loved you as more than a high school romance

I loved you as a soul mate

A second half

An irreplaceable part of me

And I can still feel the hole

Where you were ripped away.

I miss you so much

I feel so empty that I just want to be sad

So that I can feel something

And then finally I feel sad

And I wish I felt empty

I hate this

I hate everything

I hate myself

I hate your mother

I hate having to lie

It doesn’t matter it has never mattered why does it matter

You were not my girlfriend, well thank god

I never wanted to take your clothes off and touch

I wanted to do it to every other girl on the planet

But not you

Never you

Like the opposite of “I only have eyes for you”

I had eyes for everyone but you

And you didn’t mind

God, you were relieved.

I never touched you and it doesn’t matter

What matters is that I loved you

I loved you so deeply and strongly

And I miss you twice as much as that.

Come home

Oh god, please come home

Your mom doesn’t leave the house

I buy her groceries and talk to her every day

You were all she had

She pretends to be okay but she’s not

She’s so dead now and it’s scary

I can’t lose her too

She’s my last link to you

The only person I can face when it gets to the worst

Because this broke her just as much as it broke me

I hate her sometimes

But I hate smiles more

False condolences and normality and going on

She’s stuck just like me

We’re stuck together

Two pieces of a puzzle commiserating

Over the loss of one we both bordered on

I went to the principal’s house the other day

We did that a few times, remember?

You were closer to him than me

But I went anyway

We talked about you

We watched a movie

Some stupid mindless movie

An action movie

For two hours we pretended to watch a movie

And I felt less alone

We felt less alone

And then the movie was over

And I had to go home

And leave him behind

And leave you behind.

Its only now I realize why you two were friends

Nobody knew you

The people at school talk so much

But nobody knew you and I only know it now

You must have been so lonely

Why did you never tell me you were lonely?

Me and the principal

And maybe Tony but we don’t talk

Were we your only friends?

God

God damn you

Just god damn you for not telling me

And for lying to your mother and

For making me feel like this and

God damn you for dying

I hate you

I hate you how could you do this to me I hate you

I just want to hug you right now I hate you

I hate you I hate you I miss you I love you I hate you

I need to hear your voice so bad

Why is that too much to ask?

This is supposed to be a stupid wonderful amazing universe

With all this life and I think therefore I am and all these stars

And the one thing I want more than anything

Never again

I just need to talk to you

I need it more than I need air

And I can feel it slowly killing me

Like all the air is gone.

I went out with a girl the other day

I just saw one and wanted her and went to her

I asked her to dinner and treated her nice

And then we had sex in my car

You wouldn’t have liked her

She wasn’t friendly or even interesting

You would ask me why I took her out

And I would explain to you that

It fills a hole for me

A hole that you never had

Lucky you

But I needed to be close to someone

And it’s so much harder to ask a stranger for a hug

Than it is to ask them for sex.

Of course, if you were here to ask

I never would have taken her out

I was okay with just you

Curling up to watch movies

There was something so warm

So beautiful about the way we were emotionally

That I was okay with not doing anything physically

I could keep it to myself, a personal thing

A little burden like your periods

Just a body need

Because it was the warmth I wanted

And you had so much of it

Everything I needed.

The sex was good

I didn’t want it to be good, I wanted to feel dirty

But she knew what she was doing

And it felt so god damn good

That the next morning I was ashamed

Like I was replacing you

Or proving it was better to have sex

But I could never love that girl

The way I loved you.

Who am I kidding

I’m not kidding myself anymore

That’s a new low even I won’t put up with my lies

You were my girlfriend

You were always my girlfriend

And damn all the people who dictate what that entails

Not touching you wasn’t what broke us apart

What broke us apart was you,

Dying.